I am Changing

“Je suis tres fatigue. Je suis tres fatigue.” This is all I am saying in French right now. I am very tired. I just want to sit down for a few minutes and cry, but I have no where to do that. I went to the bathroom at the Eurostar in London before departing to France, but I couldn’t get a good cry out. I guess I don’t really need that kind of catharsis, but really I just need to sleep in a room by myself. My body aches from rushing luggage onto this train and that one, but I feel strong, capable, willing to take risks and therefore make mistakes. This is a FIRST for me. I never go into anything I do with this mindset. I always plan to avoid mistakes and often therefore evade risk altogether. Typically if there is a chance that I will fall down or mess something up, I will do everything in my power to escape the situation. As much as I thought that I like feeling safe and in control, I am realizing oddly that I like this feeling of the unknown. There is such a greater sense of triumph when you try something difficult, without knowing what the end will be like. It’s exhilarating! I feel like I am just a wisp of something being tossed about in the air. I have direction and goals, but I have no idea what the means are to the end. I am putting over-planning under-foot and I am facing challenges on the fly! One simply cannot dwell on failures and mishaps when traveling. I am learning to move on from things optimistically and sensibly because it is necessary especially when having to take complete care of yourself. I thought I was independent at UT Chattanooga, and to a certain extent I was, but this is so much more challenging. When I am upset, I can’t complain to my dear friends. When I am hungry, I have to go find something to eat instead of food being so accessible. When I want to just talk to someone, I have to speak in another language or ask if he or she speaks Anglais. I have met new friends and people along the way while in the UK, but no one is going with me. I can’t call so and so to come to the grocery with me, or to ride the train with me or to find a hostel or hotel with me, I have to figure it out myself. The thing about this being “independent” ideal is that one is never truly independent. We all depend, whether Christian or non-Christian, on something to help us through. This might be God, a friend, a bottle of wine, etc. What I am finding is that there is nothing that can replace the absolute security I feel when I relinquish all control to God and give dependence to Him. I have been shocked at the amount of times, just in two weeks, that God has made my way safe and good. But I shouldn’t be shocked. I am calling out to the Lord for strength in my time of need and He is answering me in His way. I couldn’t have asked for a better lesson to learn. I have been struggling with fear without knowing it for a long time. I am always afraid of what will happen next and how I can make sure I know the outcome so that it’s not so frightening. This summer was my dénouement of sorts in this story. I have been living in dependency on anything I could find available, any ready ear to hear my problems, any savior to rescue and stand with me, but these have all been cheap impressions because I have had the order all wrong. This summer, I was out of options. I couldn’t extract any more help from anyone; and I couldn’t give any advice either. I thrive on giving advice, and I think I am good at it. But I have been so lost in my own selfishness that I couldn’t say anything worth saying anymore. It was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced for I always have something to say. I value highly, opinions, and those who have them and who take a stand for them. But I couldn’t figure out where all of my words had gone. It’s like I had nothing good to say the whole summer. I think I know what God was up to now. He silenced me. When all my words, hopes, and “escapes” failed me, I had no other option but to look to the Lord. God makes it so easy for us to turn to Him. We can call His name anytime, anywhere. I wonder what is wrong with me so often when I struggle to get others’ help, attention and advice, and the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent Father is waiting in continuous grace and love for His flighty, unfaithful child.
I have always had an adventurous side to me that gets buried under loads of carefulness, restraint and ultimately fear. It’s not that I have ever really been afraid of doing crazy things, I like that part; it’s that I always try and imagine the outcome. Usually, I expect the outcome to be grim and unprofitable so I suppress the desire and move to safer ground. It took something as simple as taking flight, literally, to get me off of the ground. I am starting to really see what Chesterton means when he talks about how “unsafe” and perilous Christianity is! It’s not about perfection, it’s about risk. Being able to suck it up and say okay, life’s unpredictable, but God is not. Safety and rest can be found in no other place, but in His hand. When I fall asleep at night, I feel the most displaced. I am typically sleeping somewhere I am unfamiliar with. I have a very strong sense of place. I love travel, but I feel deep gravity toward home. So, naturally, at night I have always felt like I am in unsafe oblivion. I imagine that I am curled up in the palm of God, sleeping in a place so close to home; that my anxiety is gone and I rest well. I know it’s a bit strange but the mental picture give me solace.

I don’t want to get so far ahead of myself in thinking that I am changing when in fact I am still just as apt to control my life, instead of letting God control it. However, I feel a desire to relinquish hold on my life in a way that I have never experienced. Oddly, I am more productive, less judgmental and way more adventurous!

I am about to arrive in Lille. I have no idea if I can find a train ticket to Nantes. I haven’t cried yet and I somehow have some miraculous strength though I have had no sleep! Life has never been so full as it is now just because my heart is in the right place. “This journey is my own” as Sara Groves so wisely sings. I believe it; I want my dear family and friends, but these are satisfying only when I trust and love God above all else.