I am Changing

“Je suis tres fatigue. Je suis tres fatigue.” This is all I am saying in French right now. I am very tired. I just want to sit down for a few minutes and cry, but I have no where to do that. I went to the bathroom at the Eurostar in London before departing to France, but I couldn’t get a good cry out. I guess I don’t really need that kind of catharsis, but really I just need to sleep in a room by myself. My body aches from rushing luggage onto this train and that one, but I feel strong, capable, willing to take risks and therefore make mistakes. This is a FIRST for me. I never go into anything I do with this mindset. I always plan to avoid mistakes and often therefore evade risk altogether. Typically if there is a chance that I will fall down or mess something up, I will do everything in my power to escape the situation. As much as I thought that I like feeling safe and in control, I am realizing oddly that I like this feeling of the unknown. There is such a greater sense of triumph when you try something difficult, without knowing what the end will be like. It’s exhilarating! I feel like I am just a wisp of something being tossed about in the air. I have direction and goals, but I have no idea what the means are to the end. I am putting over-planning under-foot and I am facing challenges on the fly! One simply cannot dwell on failures and mishaps when traveling. I am learning to move on from things optimistically and sensibly because it is necessary especially when having to take complete care of yourself. I thought I was independent at UT Chattanooga, and to a certain extent I was, but this is so much more challenging. When I am upset, I can’t complain to my dear friends. When I am hungry, I have to go find something to eat instead of food being so accessible. When I want to just talk to someone, I have to speak in another language or ask if he or she speaks Anglais. I have met new friends and people along the way while in the UK, but no one is going with me. I can’t call so and so to come to the grocery with me, or to ride the train with me or to find a hostel or hotel with me, I have to figure it out myself. The thing about this being “independent” ideal is that one is never truly independent. We all depend, whether Christian or non-Christian, on something to help us through. This might be God, a friend, a bottle of wine, etc. What I am finding is that there is nothing that can replace the absolute security I feel when I relinquish all control to God and give dependence to Him. I have been shocked at the amount of times, just in two weeks, that God has made my way safe and good. But I shouldn’t be shocked. I am calling out to the Lord for strength in my time of need and He is answering me in His way. I couldn’t have asked for a better lesson to learn. I have been struggling with fear without knowing it for a long time. I am always afraid of what will happen next and how I can make sure I know the outcome so that it’s not so frightening. This summer was my dénouement of sorts in this story. I have been living in dependency on anything I could find available, any ready ear to hear my problems, any savior to rescue and stand with me, but these have all been cheap impressions because I have had the order all wrong. This summer, I was out of options. I couldn’t extract any more help from anyone; and I couldn’t give any advice either. I thrive on giving advice, and I think I am good at it. But I have been so lost in my own selfishness that I couldn’t say anything worth saying anymore. It was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced for I always have something to say. I value highly, opinions, and those who have them and who take a stand for them. But I couldn’t figure out where all of my words had gone. It’s like I had nothing good to say the whole summer. I think I know what God was up to now. He silenced me. When all my words, hopes, and “escapes” failed me, I had no other option but to look to the Lord. God makes it so easy for us to turn to Him. We can call His name anytime, anywhere. I wonder what is wrong with me so often when I struggle to get others’ help, attention and advice, and the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent Father is waiting in continuous grace and love for His flighty, unfaithful child.
I have always had an adventurous side to me that gets buried under loads of carefulness, restraint and ultimately fear. It’s not that I have ever really been afraid of doing crazy things, I like that part; it’s that I always try and imagine the outcome. Usually, I expect the outcome to be grim and unprofitable so I suppress the desire and move to safer ground. It took something as simple as taking flight, literally, to get me off of the ground. I am starting to really see what Chesterton means when he talks about how “unsafe” and perilous Christianity is! It’s not about perfection, it’s about risk. Being able to suck it up and say okay, life’s unpredictable, but God is not. Safety and rest can be found in no other place, but in His hand. When I fall asleep at night, I feel the most displaced. I am typically sleeping somewhere I am unfamiliar with. I have a very strong sense of place. I love travel, but I feel deep gravity toward home. So, naturally, at night I have always felt like I am in unsafe oblivion. I imagine that I am curled up in the palm of God, sleeping in a place so close to home; that my anxiety is gone and I rest well. I know it’s a bit strange but the mental picture give me solace.

I don’t want to get so far ahead of myself in thinking that I am changing when in fact I am still just as apt to control my life, instead of letting God control it. However, I feel a desire to relinquish hold on my life in a way that I have never experienced. Oddly, I am more productive, less judgmental and way more adventurous!

I am about to arrive in Lille. I have no idea if I can find a train ticket to Nantes. I haven’t cried yet and I somehow have some miraculous strength though I have had no sleep! Life has never been so full as it is now just because my heart is in the right place. “This journey is my own” as Sara Groves so wisely sings. I believe it; I want my dear family and friends, but these are satisfying only when I trust and love God above all else.

Specifics

Nothing much else interesting to tell except that no one believes me, until I open my mouth, that I am American. I guess I am a complete European poser, but everyone I have met either thinks I am French or British. This is a fun game. Also, whenever Miranda and I go out into Nantes, we get a ridiculous amount of stares, mainly from creepy men, I think because we carry backpacks like foreigners and Miranda has very blonde hair and I wear sunglasses. We have already had a fair few, misfortunate accosts from gentlemen, so I have resolved to stop smiling altogether.

Life is good here. I feel spoiled beyond all measure; I wish I could bring all of my dear ones with me. I know that I will grow immensely after and during all of this. I am so thankful for my parents who helped me get everything together for this trip. I don’t deserve this, but the Lord has blessed each of my steps. For now, I can’t wait for class to commence.

After getting settled in, filling out millions of French papers and running around town doing errands in a city I didn’t know at all, we decided to do something fun. After being pretty exhausted from my two weeks in the UK and then immediately being thrown into all things French, I crashed in my room for two days. Saturday, Miranda and I explored Nantes. We went downtown to all of the stores and sights there. Then we ran into a big group of British girls whom we had met earlier. They are SO much fun! They invited us to go out that night and so we met up with them at the tram that night. It was raining of course, but we still ventured out. We went to an adorable Italian restaurant in the centre-ville. After feasting, we made friends with the owner who was this sweet Italian man who gave us bottles of free wine and champagne. Everyone goes to bars here. It’s a lot different than at home. It’s very safe for the most part. I know it sounds sketchy, but it has been just another place to speak French for us. It was getting late, the Frenchmen were getting out of hand, so Miranda and I left. We don’t do the whole “going out” thing so we head home early if we even go out. On our ride back, we met more French boys who wanted to speak English and we simply refused! Do to our resilience, we caught the attention of a French student who only spoke French to us. So George is one of our new, favorite friends.

We went out the next day to see Les Machines d’Iles. This is a touristy thing to do, but it is awesome. There is this museum with all of these machines and also a giant elephant that you can ride around the town. Nantes is just beautiful with the Loire River and the sun shining on the boats passing by the café. We had a lovely day. We did have a guy come up to our table and try and sell himself to us for one euro; that was a bit of a shocker. Some people are very, very strange here. But you just have to move past it. On a good note, a man asked Miranda and I on the tram if we wanted to tutor his daughter in English while we are here. So this was good because we might get some extra cash and some more French practice.

Everyone asks me about the food. Yes, the food for the most part is delicious. Wine, cheese and bread galore! The wine and cheese is super inexpensive. It’s so different from home. One can get brie and camembert for just about 2 euros. A local, good bottle of wine is just as cheap as water. There are about four university restaurants here. We eat an entire meal, salad, entrée and dessert for 2.80. The food is very good. I am a bit of a snob when it comes to food so believe me, it’s an incredible deal. There is a lot of fish served here because of the location of Nantes so I am happy that I like fish. I am trying a different pastry every time I go to a patisserie/boulangerie. I love the coffee. I am learning to wean myself off of all the sugar and milk and I take a tiny but of sugar with my coffee. I drink hot tea with milk at night. The chocolateries here are incredible as well. We have tried all sorts of chocolates we didn’t know existed here. Yum, yum!

Many people stare here. There is not a lot of reserve in this area. It makes me feel self-conscious, but I am learning to get over it. In the US, when you catch someone looking at you, he or she tends to divert the eyes immediately. Oh no, not here. No shame. The pace of life here is very different. People take breaks during the day. They shop in the middle of the day. Everyone takes time to sit and enjoy. You are hard-pressed to find anywhere that will give you a coffee to go. I like this, though it takes some getting used to. There is a lot of freedom in the French way of doing things. They kind of cut you loose as a student and let you ask questions and figure things out. There are about a million different ways of getting one thing accomplished. Students are pampered in the US in that we get things done for us either by the system or our parents. The French let you take the reigns administratively. This is daunting, but liberating. There are quite a few grey areas.

Most everyone here has been extremely helpful and accommodating. People say the French are snobs, but I find this entirely false from my small experience. Everyone here is generous with their time and help. They don’t seem to mind my butchering their language. This has been a pleasant surprise. I feel my French digressing at this point already because I have spent a lot of time meeting other students who either speak English as a first language or speak English as a second language. I am ready to start classes so that I will be forced to listen, speak and write in French.

Snoop Dog is coming to Nantes. I just thought I would say this because it sounded hilarious to me.

I am taking ballet and salsa four times a week here. They have an awesome sports program here. I am so excited to get to do all of this dancing. I think it will be a good release and a great way to burn the extra calories I obtain from frequenting the patisserie! My skin has been breaking out pretty badly, which is a bummer. I don’t know that my nutrition is very good here. I need to work on that. In addition to my mandatory course work, I am taking Cinema and Art Discussion. I can’t wait!

Our new friend Paul is taking us out for dinner and French this week-end. Then, on Saturday, it’s French movie night with the British girls!

I know this is a lot of boring information. Right now, it's all my brain can think to write. Feelings and emotions will hopefully flood back soon.

First Days

As I stepped off of the Eurostar train from London to Lille, the reality of my immersion hit me like a ton of bricks. From this point on, I realized that I actually was going to have to speak French if I wanted to eat, sleep, or enroll in school. I took it one step at a time, beginning in the train station. I started with asking someone the time, then I proceeded to order some breakfast; ask directions and then for the big finale, hail a taxi to my hotel. I managed these small tasks in French on my own, but I had no idea how the next day was going to work itself out. After I woke up the next morning, I realized that I had not heard a word of English for two days except for the seven or eight minutes that I talked on the phone with my mom. This was a very strange feeling. That morning, I felt completely incapable of even taking a step outside my door. I thought, “well, Natalie, you can just go back home now, you’ve had fun, but this is not going to work.” Well, going home was not a real option, I tried crying; not a tear, so I set out to meet up with a Canadian friend I met on facebook who was coming to Nantes through my study abroad program. I waited at the train station looking for a blonde Canadian for two hours and still no sign. Of course I knew there had to be a glitch in this little brilliant plan I cooked up because no American can really function without a cell phone. I have already grown accustomed to being “disconnected” from cell phones, internet, etc., so this mishap was just a result of poor planning. It turned out that I was inside while she was outside, and she went inside to page me en francais while I went outside to look for her. As I was about to take a taxi and leave, I saw a seemingly lost blonde girl with way too much luggage. We were both ecstatic to see each other for fear that we might have both just jumped back on a plane across the Atlantic if the other had not shown up.

This first day was a catastrophe in that we were handed a million different documents with instructions from the fastest speaking French women in the country. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but when you are exhausted from dragging loads of luggage with weak arms like I have and at this point a pretty weak brain, you don’t want to have to do all of this. I felt like possibly what a baby would feel like if he or she could comprehend and remember what it was like not to be able to walk, but to have this driving force pushing and forcing you to survive. The city was brand new and Miranda and I had to make our way to bureaus, poste offices, and banks just so we could sleep somewhere that night; and yes, every single bit of it was in French.

The next day, I woke up feeling ten times better. Miranda and I had to go out to take care of more forms and such and then go take our placement test. Of course I am thinking, why in the world do we have to take a test the day after arriving; it’s a bit much. So we walk into this giant room filled with students and faculty at the front speaking French and handing out tests. I didn’t panic though. I started to feel this overwhelming sense of peace and ease about communicating in French. I was excited to take the test for some odd reason. Well, necessity is indeed the mother of invention, and I began to feel this idea play out in my own situation. I knew I had to understand directions, so I listened as closely as possible and I started to understand tons more than I thought I would. It’s strange; it’s as if you somehow understand words and their meanings even though you know for certain that you have never learned them in your life. I feel this ungovernable force compelling me to understand better, speak more, and take chances with the language. I knew logically that I didn’t possess the necessary skills for moving through all of these administration hoola-hoops in French. And I mean EVERYTHING was in French. Somehow though, I was able to understand and communicate, far surpassing my expectation. This is why I think that when people say they are no good at languages, they just don’t know that it’s ten times more difficult to be in a classroom than immersed and taught by force. If I want to survive here, I have to speak and listen in French. I opened a bank account already in complete French; this was interesting! I described a coat design to a sales person in French; and I got into level four, big surprise, in my French program!

I meet so many people here who speak three and four languages without any problem, so this puts my challenge in a new light. I am not being stretched that much. Right now, I am not stressed, which is completely shocking seeing that there are times when I fail miserably at getting my point across and there is just awkward silence that ensues. However, I am so excited to see myself improve. I also am just enjoying the pastries, cheese, bread, wine, coffee(all very inexpensive compared to everything else) and even the typical smelly French streets. No, it’s not all out of a dream, but for the most part everything is super! It is very rainy and chilly in Nantes. Nantes is right near the coast in a region called the Loire-Atlantic. They make incredible white wines, Muscadet, here in the valley. It is also a grand chateau/castle region. I have been pretty wet and cold here, but it is nice. There is always a break in the clouds and you can go out with a wool coat on or just a scarf, long sleeves and pants…whatever you wish! I think I understand why everyone here is so fashionable. It’s because they get to wear clothes without sweating all the way through until November. Autumn starts in September for sure, and it is going to be absolutely gorgeous, I just know. So, I adore the weather in Nantes.

Okay. okay, I am somewhat recanting what I said about bad fashion here. There are a lot of very interestingly, well-dressed people, but I am confused by the unbelievable amount of wool coats I saw parading the streets today in Bath. I saw many, many women in wool jackets and boots with tights. This is just breaking all kinds of seasonal fashion rules! It is an abomination to wear wool in August! Admittedly, it did not get above 65 degrees f today. It is Autumn already here, but I was fine in my cotton blazer and jeans. I even donned the scarf as I love to do, but come on. Boots, stockings, scarf and coat or wool in August?? I hope that the French have more sense. The styles are very distinct here; kind of dark, very edgy and a bit "emo" for my taste, but life indeed is tres posh here when it comes to clothes.

UK Fashion

Surprisingly, not many people here have good fashion sense. It's really strange. There are some, but most people obviously try very hard and to no avail. Maybe I am just partial to French fashion, but almost everyone I have seen on the streets dresses up, but it looks sloppy. I mean, the amount of leather boots I witnessed with these knee-high stockings paired with a skirt and scarf was frankly just not working at all. Very urban, without the chic. Just a comment, feel free to disagree.

Warwick and A Little Bath

After I left Pippa's house, which was no fun, I got on a train, well a few trains, to go see the town of Warwick. I really didn't know how I was going to get around with my huge backpack, but I thought I would just figure out as I went along. I really impressed myself with my ability to get on the right trains. I say this because I typically am completely and utterly directionally challenged, but train traveling is obviously made for me. I have gotten on a ridiculous amount of trains and have not made one mistake. I had to change trains three times to get to Warwick, so that was a bit exhausting. When I finally arrived in Warwick, I had no idea where I was to put my bags so that I could tour the city. I ended up walking all the way into town and finally finding a hotel in the middle of the city. At this point, it had been almost an hour with what felt like an old man being carried on my back and I was exhausted. So, I went in and asked for a room and the guy actually gave me a really big discount on the room. So with grandpa off my back, a swanky hotel room in the middle of Warwick and a moment's respite, I was good to go. I just toured around the entire day. Took pictures, read and had a coffee and scone, ate by myself at a delicious Thai restaurant. I got a little lonely after eating out; I have never really done that before. As I got back to my hotel room, I began to feel the loneliness of not having anyone to talk to or to share all of the grand sights I had seen that day. It felt strange staying alone in a hotel room, but I cheered up eventually! I opened my window because it is actually Autumn here, no joke; and just enjoyed instead of being annoyed by the solitude.

The next day, I checked out and prepared to make the long trek back to the train station. This time, I strapped everything much better to myself. On the way up, a man shouted at me from across the street, "Well, Love! That backpack is as big as you are! You going to make it all right?" We both just laughed and I retorted, "just as long as the wind keeps from blowing, I'll be fine." I made it, and continued on to Bath with three train changes. I am a pro at this point. The scenery from the windows was particularly beautiful. It must be where they film all the Jane Austen BBC movies, or at least some of them. I love listening to music on the train, whether it is Nick drake for the morning, David Gray for the stormy afternoon, or Kanye West when I am feeling bold and need to break all the seriousness. I get lots of reading done as well.

Well, I finally got to Bath and was delighted to meet Mrs. Mary Porter at the station. How incredible is this. Okay, so Mary Miller recommended this Bed and Breakfast in Bath. She adores the owners and the place. The couple, first of all, comes and picks me up from the station. I just can't understand why God has lavished so many blessings on me this week! We pull up to the manor, and yes I said manor, and it was like someone punched me in the chest. I couldn't breathe when I saw the house and the hills surrounding. John and Mary Porter are an older, incredibly vivacious and kind couple. I am going to get a picture of them because they are just precious. John is tall and thin with this incredible white hair that's perfectly messy. He looks like an Oxford professor and she is round and sweet as pie. We chatted over a cup and tea and a biscuit. Then I headed out to explore their gardens and then the canals. I kept ooohing and ahhhing out loud. It would have been quite embarassin' if someone had been with me, but I couldn't help it. I have never seen a garden with so many things growing in such fullness at once. The variety and use of space was a sight to behold. After my recontrer with Peter Rabbit in the abundant garden, I headed for the canal. I was just tripping down the lane enraptured by the landscape. What makes this kind of landscape so beautiful to me is that everything is so delightfully uneven. One minute, you are up high, and the next you are in a valley. I chatted with people boating along the canal as I walked. It is Autumn here, at least everyday feels exactly how Fall should feel.

We had a superb dinner together, straight from their garden. I love living so close to the earth! This is, I know, how Wendell Berry lives. Some friends popped in for coffee and rhubarb crumble, c'est delicieuse! I was chatting with Mr. Porter all about rowing and he was so happy to find a kindred spirit in the sport. He loves rowing and we just talked and talked all about it. He is going to take me down to see where he rows tomorrow. We ended up watching his recording of the olympic rowing from a few days ago. Tomorrow, Mr. John is dropping me off in town to spend the day seeing everything from the Roman baths, to the Jane Austen Centre. I am blessed beyond measure with all of these wonderful people. It's so nice, kind of strange, jumping from one place to the other. Everything is so different. One day I am in the countryside, the next day I am in London! I am here until Thursday and then I head to London. Ciao for now!

Birmingham, Pippa's home.

Leaving Swansea was bittersweet. I knew that after Friday I couldn't depend on any more motherly affection to keep my spirits high. Mrs. Mary and Mr. Rick were so sweet to me and I felt so at ease being there with them and their friends. I got to meet so many lovely people. We went to a cream tea in the city center with Jo, a friend of Mary's who is about my age. She was so vibrant and fun to be around, and she had this phenomenal Welsh accent that sounds like one is singing a song. They lift the ends of their words up very melodiously; and it sounds a bit Scottish or something. The cream tea was great; little scones(scons) as they say, with cream and sandwiches. SO cute! We walked on the beach and went into town.
That night, Mrs. Mary got the idea to go out for coffee, music to my ears, in Mumbles. Mumbles is a posh sort of vacation spot( what isn't in Swansea?) in Swansea. It is Catherine Zeta Jones' hometown! Mary, Bernie, and I went to Verdi's cafe overlooking the sea. Tres belle! I had the best latte of my life. It was Irish Cream and it put all of the lattes I have made and consumed to shame!

Oh man, I forgot to mention Trivial Pursuit night. The Lifelink church in Swansea was having a get together one night at a friend's house and so we went. It was just Mary, Jon and myself. The owners of the house were hilarious, just adorable people. Mr. John, the owner, kept trying to get me to "fatten up" so he would put pieces of food on my plate and say, "oh dear girl, nothing is going to be said for you if you don't fatten up a bit!" I laughed pretty hard. Okay, so there were a lot of young people there and they are all really loud and well, British or Welsh. I loved it. During the game, everyone was yelling, being uber-competitive, and just really getting into it. Mrs. Mary and I got a little frustrated because there were a lot of answers that all of these smart kids knew and we didn't until we came to find out that it was a British version. We were relieved that it was not expected for an American to know where some obscure river meets in some obscure town in Britain. It was a great night. The Millers just made everyday a delight. I couldn't have been happier.

So, I left Swansea on Friday after getting some fish and chips( I had to have these by the sea ONLY) and famous Welsh ice cream. I got on the train to Birmingham New Street and got off about two hours later. From here, I stayed with Pippa Rimmer, who is just well incredible! She, among other things, speaks five languages, drinks really good wine and has a killer accent. She made me laugh so much, which really made everything so comfortable. I will admit that I had felt anxious about staying with people I don't know, but she made everything super fun and we talked about music, languages, life, the arts, politics. Her music library is unbelievable and I don't know that I have met anyone so aware of other places and cultures as much as she is. We went out for authentic Balti Indian...bon apetit, then had a glass of really good wine and listened to albums I was drooling to hear! So we basically just had girls night every night because her husband was out of town. Pippa knows Corinne Bailey Rae and all sorts of other famous people. Oh and her cat, Taffy, is absolute fun. It has been such a lovely, perfect time so far.

Birmingham is the second largest city in Great Britain. It holds one of the most diverse populations in Europe.

God has just taken care of me traveling by myself and getting on and off the right trains in safety. Even more, it has been such a joy to be around these people. I have truly already learned so many new things. I am learning to be even stronger in the Lord, trusting in Him and therefore adding strength to my own self. My point in all of this going around by myself is to gt outside of my typical comforts and learn how to do things REALLY on my own. It's such a great challenge and my character is getting stronger; I can already feel it and I am not even being immersed in French everything yet! I thought I was independent, but after this summer and so many of my weaknesses became so apparent, I have begun to try and fix some of those things that I don't trust about myself. I plan to defy gravity this time, knowing that I will be flying and falling, but at least I will get off the ground every once in a while. The falling isn't bad because I have my Foundation.
Well, I am off to visit Warwick Castle tomorrow for a day. Many pictures to come. I am headed to Bath tomorrow night to stay in B&B for a few days. Thus continues adventures in Austen land. Can't wait!

p.s. I am sorry about the butchering of the English language in these ramblings, but I have to type fast and carelessly in order to get it all out!